When You Feel Unloved or Unlovable

Why you may feel unloved and what you can do about it

Feeling loved is the profound experience of knowing that you matter. It's the feeling of being wanted — the certainty that if you didn't exist, you would be deeply missed.

But so often, you look around and find it lacking:

• Your father? He doesn't really approve of you. He's disappointed in how you turned out.
• Your mom? She's always trying to mold you into someone else. She doesn't love you for who you actually are.
• Your spouse? Well, that depends on the day. Some days, you definitely don't feel like their priority.
• Your kids? That's different. They love "Mommy", not all the different parts that make you who you are.

You don't just want love; you want unconditional love that loves you just the way you are. You want to feel valued and wanted even with all your flaws and failings. You want to be completely accepted for the person you are.

Why We Hide the Mess

One woman told me, "I know I'm loved, but the problem is I don't really feel that I'm loveable."

On paper, she had a good life — a devoted husband who genuinely cared for her. But deep inside, she didn't feel worthy of that affection. She didn't really believe that she was loveable. His devotion confused her and made her anxious. She didn't trust him. She couldn't reciprocate. She kept pushing back, testing his limits, rejecting his overtures, building a defensive wall to protect herself from the rejection she was sure was coming.

Since in her mind she was not loveable, nobody could ever truly love her.

The problem with feeling loveable is that you are acutely aware of the parts of yourself you deeply dislike.

• You don't like the person you become when you're overtired, hungry and stressed.
• You're ashamed that you obsess so much over a comment from a neighbor or a minor criticism at work.
• You're inwardly horrified at the spiteful, threatening person you turn into when your kids act up too much.

There are so many ugly parts to yourself — insecure parts, childish parts, angry, hateful, mean, jealous parts. And if you don't love yourself despite your weaknesses, you can't believe that anyone else could truly love you either.

So you hide.

You don't tell your spouse about your secret habits or the screen time you turn to when you want to numb out. You eat that fifth piece of cake when no one's looking. You suppress your darkest thoughts, refusing to acknowledge them even to yourself and certainly not to others. You live with shame, guilt, denial and pain.

The One Who Never Gives Up

But Judaism teaches a radically different truth: there is nothing you need to do, achieve, or fix to be worthy of love. Your worth is inherent.

Every person is a precious, unique world. The Gemara teaches that every individual is obligated to say, "The world was created for me." Every one of us is deeply loved and valued by none other than Hashem Himself.

No matter how many broken pieces you carry, no matter how many times you fail, and no matter how stuck you feel, nothing can alter this spiritual reality. Hashem created you, He loves you, He's rooting for you and He will never, ever give up on you.

Even if you felt entirely alone in this world, even if you fell into the darkest spiritual or emotional abyss imaginable, Hashem still loves you and has faith in you. He still desires a relationship with you.

The Reset

The next time you feel unloved or unlovable, look in the mirror and say:

"I see you. I see all of you, and you are loved. You are loveable. You are more precious than words can ever express."

Because you don't have to deny or suppress your painful, shameful parts. You can learn to be okay being the whole, broken person you are.

• Even though you made such a mess of things today and you're so angry with yourself, you can love yourself anyway. You are always worthy of love.
• Even though you feel like you have no self-control and you're so ashamed and disgusted with yourself, you can have compassion for where you are on your journey.
• Even though you feel like a complete failure and totally worthless, you can accept yourself exactly as you are right now.

Tapping into the essential truth of your innate worth frees you from the weight of guilt and denial. It liberates you from feeling needy and lonely. Because you don't need other people to give you permission to feel loved or loveable. It is a Divine gift already inside you, waiting to be claimed.

You are loved. You are loveable.

Say it to yourself until it feels 100% true — because it is.

This article first appeared on aish.com