How to talk to our children (and ourselves!) about fear
It’s all too easy to give glib reassurances.
“Just say a perek tehillim and it will be okay.”
“Don’t worry, there’s nothing to be scared of.”
"Hashem isn't going to let anything bad happen to us."
Meanwhile, we’re actually quaking inside with terror. But hey, we have to keep the kids calm, right? We don’t want them to be scared, right?
Well, kind of.
Are we causing our children to feel bad or guilty for being scared?
There is nothing wrong with feeling scared in a frightening situation. In fact, not only is there nothing wrong, it’s actually the correct, normal human reaction. Being totally unworried and unflappable in a genuinely scary reality isn’t healthy! To truly live life as a human being, we must experience all of our emotions, and that includes fear and worry.
So let’s normalize that feeling of fear. We can tell our children (and ourselves) that it’s okay to be scared. We don’t have to deny it. We don’t need to suppress it. Yes, it feels scary and it’s only normal to be scared.
There are two really important points to keep in mind, though.
Differentiate between actual danger and fear.
For example, if a child is scared to go to sleep in their own bed, we should absolutely validate their feelings. We should empathize with them and offer them love. We should make it easier for them, like giving them a night light or allowing them to listen to music while going to sleep. But, we must also give them the calm assurance that it is not actually dangerous. Otherwise, we feed the fear and it only grows.
I know, the dark shadows look like terrorists, and it feels so scary. That’s so hard for you! Would you like another hug before you go to bed? There are no terrorists in your room, they are only shadows.
Keep fear in proportion
This is a hard one. When we’re quivering in a bomb shelter, hearing terrifying booms exploding all around us, it’s hard to keep things in proportion. Still, we must allow our logical brain to remind us of facts. Things like, what are the chances? How likely is it to happen? We can tell ourselves and our children that it feels really scary but there is actually 99% chance that we’ll be okay.
A simple technique to help keep calm
Have you heard of the Butterfly Hug? It’s a lovely self-help tool that is recommended by both EFT and EMDR practitioners. It’s super simple but very effective. Without getting into the science behind it, it forces the brain out of panicky ‘loopy’ thinking by engaging both right and left sides of the brain and can help prevent a scary incident turn into a trauma.
Cross your arms over your chest (with one hand close to each shoulder) and tap alternatively.
Focus your breathing - deep inhale, slow exhale.
Find a phrase that resonates with you, and help your children find something too.
Even though I feel absolutely petrified, right now, at this moment, I am okay (Even when you’re in a safe room with ballistic missiles being shot around you, at that moment, you are still okay. Stay in the present!)
Even though I’m so nervous, and I don’t know what will happen, I know Hashem is always with me
Even though this is all so hard for me, I love myself anyway
Even though I feel so helpless and that makes me feel angry, I acknowledge these feelings and I’m sending myself some love
Even though I don’t like being frightened, I give myself permission to be scared
What about emunah?
This blog post can’t even try to cover the complex, beautiful topic of emunah and bitachon. But just some points to bear in mind.
Saying that Hashem will not let anything bad happen, however reassuring you think this may be, is not actually true. Hashem’s ways are hidden and the question of ‘Why do bad things happen to good people’ can’t be answered by us limited humans. And lying to children isn't usually advised - it only undermines their trust in you.
What is true, though, is that Hashem is good and everything He does is unfathomably good. That He’s always watching over me. That He loves me more than I can ever imagine. That He’s here with me, at this moment, embracing me, caring for me, and that He will never, ever leave me.
This is what we can tell ourselves and our children.
